Author: Van Am Gram

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Showing up once again…

As I’ve shared before, when you’re traveling the path of Alzheimer’s with a parent 24/7, you can expect daily kinks in the routine.  Some days are relatively smooth and we roll along, while others, well, I can’t say it very nicely so I’ll leave it to your imagination.  Most mornings dad pops up in bed as I present him with a hot cup of coffee, a smile, and a cheerful greeting.  I remind him to shower, help lay out his clothes, and leave him to his personal rituals. Once he presents himself in the main part of our home, he grins and announces, “I’m here; let the day begin” (even though it may be pushing noon).  He chooses to “show up” and we do too.

Dad requires more and more assistance with specific daily tasks, especially those involving medications, reminders to carry his cane, wash his hands, cover that cough, and such.  He easily confuses things or chooses to just skip them.  Some days while gently reminding or assisting him through a specific task, he looks at me as though I’m bossing him into submission.  (even though I realize I’m a red-headed benevolent overlord at times).  To dad though, I’m his little girl again and by golly, no daughter of his will tell him what to do.  But the instant St. M opens his mouth to repeat exactly what I just asked, dad immediately complies.  WHAT?!?

It’s the power of what I call “show up.”  You see, St. M carries compassion in abundance and uses his super power of show up to his advantage with dad.  In his calm voice, he coaxes dad to do what’s in dad’s best interest.  I’ve learned to also appreciate this additional assistance when my patience well runs low.  In reality, it’s a grateful outcome because someone other than me took the time to show up in a needed moment.

What’s a super power of yours you use to help another?

Some dear friends frequently remind me on this journey of these powerful words:  “show up…pay attention…let go…speak your truth…don’t be wedded to the outcome…”  This is my morning mantra as I show up in gratefulness for the opportunity to start another day with dad. And here’s hoping your super power(s) offers you the opportunity to start another day in gratefulness too! 🙂

Restoration…
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Restoration…

Yes, it’s been a few weeks since the last post. So much life…soooo much 2020!  While we all know everything will work again if it’s unplugged for just a bit, even that is not a complete guarantee this particular year, huh?!

Today, however, marks exactly 30 days until Thanksgiving, my personal favorite.  In an effort to jump start myself and find ways to focus on this important season of thanks and giving in the midst of an ongoing Pandemic, these next 30 days are once again about GRATEFULNESS.  As a way to express appreciation, share a word or two of kindness, and reflectively narrate on the grace of simple gratitude, there will once again be a question posted each day.  Here’s hoping this helps us pause briefly from the anxiety, stress, and frequent-overwhelmingness of this unique time in our lives.

Personally, being grateful is a feeling of appreciation for a kindness, a welcome experience of gratitude and of thankfulness.  Being authentically grateful brings pleasure and contentment on a level everyone could genuinely use in daily life.  The word itself comes from the Latin derivative, gratus, “showing grace, blessing, and JOY…” Just like daily physical exercise, we must create and cultivate mindful ways to powerfully practice daily gratitude in an effort to recharge and reboot mind, body, spirit, and soul.  As always, we start with a simple question on Day One: 

What is ONE thing you are grateful for today, only today?

Me?  RESTORATION.  Waking up to a beautifully crisp fall morning following lots of fog the past week (literally and figuratively) with regained energy.  The woods have regenerated with leaves swirling, and it’s Pumpkin Carving Day around here to boot!  My personal battery is restored from  yesterday because the blank page in the journal of life at this moment on this day is clean, crisp, and ready to unfold a fresh story!  Hopefully, restoration brings more patience, forgiveness, kindness, understanding, and generosity.  Perhaps we work to right wrongs, learn from yesterday’s mistakes, listen more, talk less, or simply put down our phones.  Hope is not lost and mercies are abundant, if only we seek them. 

Gratefully, restoration brings another day and offers renewed energy as many times as we need it!  And as my favorite Transcendentalist, Henry David Thoreau observed, “I am grateful for what I am and have…my Thanksgiving is perpetual.”   So, in this moment, take a deep cleansing breath, and gratefully name aloud your ONE thing today.  🙂

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AHHtumn at last…

The temperature today, light rustic shades just beginning to emerge among the foilage, the lack of 95% humidity (whew!), and an overall lighter feel in the air… Autumn is making her first appearance a little earlier during this most unusual year.  Waiting patiently through the LONG hot summer of this pandemic with the consistent uncertainty, anxiety, and worry, it is ever-so-refreshing to simply breathe softer, cooler air literally on the day of the Autumnal Equinox. Pop hasn’t left the screened porch since awakening; meals, naps, snacks, and conversations ensue in his outside “office” today.  He takes a moment to look at me and to thank me “for living in a place with four distinct seasons and trees.”  We are grateful in our own ways for the blessings and gratitude of this first day of Autumn, the time when change is in the air, when everything bursts into the last boldest color, and nature saves up a grand finale of fabulousness.

Winter pencils into the etching… Spring shimmers in pastels… Summer glows in soft watercolors… Autumn, well Autumn explodes into the final mosaic of all the seasons together, simply reminding us again how lovely it can be to simply let things go.

Happy Fall, y’all! 🙂

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RBG

It’s ironic, but perhaps highly symbolic, that I drank from my favorite cup on the very day of her passing.  Daddy even commented to me when he saw her image on my mug, “Now there’s an example of dynamite coming in a small package!”  I laughed, “Yes, daddy; definitely a petite, brilliant lady, but a heroic giant in the very best of ways!”  Little did I know hours later news of her passing would break and the tears would flow…

Whatever your political affiliation, it is undeniable Justice Ginsburg made our world a better place. Serving as a relentless litigator and jurist, especially with her decisions and dissents on the Supreme Court, she set the stage for generations to come.  The inspiration of her lifelong engagement of and dedication to excellence, to equality, to justice, to civil rights for ALL, and to this country, is undeniable.

Personally, how grateful I am to her for the exceptional role model she is in the lives of my own daughters.  I thank her for being a trailblazer, a citizen committed to real progress, an advocate in her unflinching pursuit for freedom and opportunity, and a relentless titan for equal justice under the law for ALL.  I thank her for the position she holds in changing the course of American history during her lifetime.  Just like other iconic legends in my own life, many of whom have gone before her, the soft yet powerful voice of Justice Ginsburg will continue to resonate loud and proud echoing into the next generations.  May we all move forward and continue working to live up to my favorite quote of hers:  “I would like to be remembered as someone who used whatever talent she had to do her work to the very best of her ability…”  

Rest in power and peace, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  And just so you know, whether it is fashionable or not, perhaps you’ll better understand why I wear my lace collars anytime I choose…

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Never Forget…

Twenty years ago today, after my early morning message to our campus and my usual morning walkabout through hallways and classrooms, a relatively peaceful start to another school day commenced.  I made my way back to the front office in time to take a phone call from a parent who happened to be in NYC on business that day.  We visited briefly as he began to share the reason for his call.  During the course of our conversation, the landline crackled, there was a horrific explosive sound, and the call went dead. I attempted to call him back but nothing connected. The front office phones started ringing and all four landlines jammed. I remember a chilling, sinking feeling washing down my body (Granny called them “riggers”); our school was out in the country and something felt completely OFF. Little did we know…

In the course of working through the temporary moment of panic (we had no set protocols back in those days for lockdown or shelter-in-place), I decided to lock all the exterior doors of our campus in order to mitigate outside traffic.  The librarian caught me in the hallways as she wheeled a TV to the office and asked me to join her as we witnessed the second plane crashing into the other tower of the World Trade Center.  Before we could comment, the reporter broke in to share that the Pentagon was on fire and another plane crashed into a Pennsylvania field. I alerted and updated teachers in person, asking them not to turn on TV or radio, but to teach and maintain a schedule while keeping email open for updates from me. My assistant principal and counselor stationed themselves at the front door so no one came in or out without ID. The office staff manned the non-stop phone calls and checked out students as parents arrived. Recess was forgotten that day. We got through the school day in a controlled, terrorized fog. Little did we know in those first moments of terror and uncertainty just how much all our lives would completely change.

While still in the midst of a global pandemic, we mark 20 years since this fateful day. Ironically, certain aspects and outcomes of this terrifying time in our history still resonate: All the children who will never see a parent again; all the families who have lost a loved one; all the individuals on the front lines of defense who have sacrificed themselves in order to assist and care for others; all the uncertainty and long-term effects for those who continue to struggle and search for answers… We see you and we hear you; may we never forget!

Likewise, a powerful image of hope emerges:  all those who sprint into action to assist; all the scientists, healthcare workers, front-line workers, researchers, and supporters continuing to work endless shifts for answers and cures; all the educators and parents teaching, working, and keeping the home fires going; all the small business owners investing in their communities while their communities invest in them; all those folks simply acting in supreme kindness day in and day out even in the darkest of moments (just like a complete stranger who made certain that dad in 2001 made it out of that first tower alive and home to an anxious family). We are beyond grateful; may we never forget!

With so much political divide, the constant barrage of ugliness in words and deeds in a 24/7 vortex, the resistance to needed change for centuries-long systemic issues, or, just simply being asked to wear a mask, get tested, or get a vaccine, we all need to STOP for a collective second and just breathe.  Breathe in and breathe out because we can.  Breathe in and breathe out to re-center our own humanity. We have life and so much more. One simple truth continues to prevail no matter our situation: there is always more uniting us than dividing us in this country.  We are still “one Nation, under God, indivisible; with Liberty and Justice for ALL…”  We are not here to BE right; we are here to get it right. We are here to DO the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. I know it; you know it. And on this particular Patriot’s Day, 20 years later (and every day), may we never, ever forget.

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Do we have the sense of a goose?

While reflecting back over some stories from the past today, I found my beloved mom’s response to this VanAmGram blog from 2011…whew…stopped me in my tracks! So grateful for the powerful message mom and I both shared at the beginning of each school year. May we ALL find our “goose sense” and remember to stand by each other…no matter what! HONK!

Van Am Gram

While walking along the Miller track during recess time with a group of learners today, we looked up and noticed a flock of geese in their famous “V” formation.  It reminded me of a powerful lesson my mom always told her staff and one, in fact, I’ve shared with mine.  In light of the cooler Autumn temps today and the geese we noticed, I shared this lesson with the students walking with me: 

Everything in nature happens for a reason and scientists have discovered why geese fly in the “V” formation.  As each bird flaps its wings, it creates an uplift for the bird immediately following.  By flying this way, the whole flock adds at least 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own.  Truth #1:  If we share a common direction and sense of community, we can get where we’re going quicker and easier…

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Not going back…

“Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards.”

“Hind sight is 20/20 after all.”

“Your bag is lighter when you don’t carry the past with you.”

“Don’t look back; you’re not goin’ that way.”

On the longest day of the year last weekend, Summer Solstice (which ironically fell on Father’s Day), every single phrase surfaced.  While I’m uncertain of the official origin for each, these simple, yet profound phrases continued to fall effortlessly from his wise mouth…

On really good days, we have deep and meaningful conversation in snippets, with daddy easily verbalizing his thought processes.  Stories, family lore, past vacations, dog show adventures, friendships, and more tumble into vibrant snippets of delightful conversation.  He can easily speak with friends or family on the phone, follow a pattern of conversation, and so forth.  I do my best on these days to soak up all I can with him, especially when his sense of humor and teasing take over.

On the harder days, we help him dig deep inside his mental well to encourage him onward…take that shower, use his cane or walker, tell a joke, take a short walk with us, sketch, or “read” in his newest book.  Often times, especially during our ongoing home quarantine, he simply chooses to quietly sit on our screened porch watching the birds at the feeder as he listens to nature hard at work all around him. As Daddy likes to remind on occasion:  “I haven’t forgotten, Bethy; I just can’t remember most of the time.” 

Sometimes, without warning, he looks deep into my eyes, straight inside my soul, and says, “When I forget, thank you for remembering for me.”  Those moments of clarity are a divine gift of JOY!  Gratefully, he is still at a point where he usually understands how we see his needs as we continue to find ways to help him fill them.  While never easy, walking this path with him as the keeper of his memories in his greatest time of need is a gift to both of us.

Alzheimer’s may be taking away the vibrancy of Daddy’s mind, but for now, he has us and we have him; we continue to forge ahead on this unique journey together.  We are reminded how some things in life cannot be fixed, but are shouldered with love, help, and strength of others.  Make no mistake; his heart and soul continue to hold what his mind simply cannot, so we choose to follow his lead and “take what you’re given with grace and dignity and move on because we’re not goin’ back…”  🙂

Personal note:  June is National Alzheimer’s and Brain Awareness Month.  Thanks to the thousands who hosted and supported fundraising activities on the Summer Solstice (the longest day of the year) to continue shining the light of hope for a future without ALZ.  Go to alz.org for more information on how you can support this effort.

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My momma always said, “the best sermon is a great example;” thus she and daddy (for better, or worse sometimes) taught us daily by their living example.  My sister and I know we “chose our parents wisely,” because in the midst of everyday life, there were daily lessons through their poignant example.

As I watch moms today in the grocery store, on a hiking trail in the park, and everywhere else in the community, it stuns me how moms must be as wise as Solomon, as smart as Socrates, as unconditionally loving as Mother Teresa, and as disciplined as an Olympic Athlete.  Momma was the same over half a century ago…she wasn’t our friend (until much later in life); she was our parent. “You didn’t come with instructions, so rule #1:  I’m never wrong, and rule #2, if I am wrong, then refer back to rule #1.”  🙂  Funny how those rules changed drastically when she became a grandmother. 🙂

Yes, my mom demonstrated daily who she was and lived by the legacy she created with witty southern sass, grit, humor, and backbone.  Even though she was a young mother who literally grew up with us, she firmly shaped our character with integrity while encouraging us to dream big for the future.  And because we also grew up in a progressive household where we were expected to “take care of ourselves in the real world,” finding our passion to help us independently support ourselves was non-negotiable.  “Get a grip and buck up” were heard daily in our household.  “You’re not lost and don’t need to go find yourself; I know right where you are.”  We also learned to control our attitude and effort because “those two things are in our constant control.”  And just like her classroom and school settings as a teacher and principal, mom set the bar extremely high, but she also provided a loving cushion when we stumbled along the way.  Our mom was our first and most important teacher, advocate, and disciplinarian; she set the rules and we followed them, well, mostly (except for riding the laundry basket down the stairs, dropping each other into the laundry hamper, that whole chandelier disaster…).

While mom’s physical voice is now silent, the echos of her lessons and expectations ring clearly inside my soul.  I’m humbly grateful and thankful for the example of my mom.  I was so busy growing up and then raising two little women of my own, I often forgot she was growing older.  Even in her final hours with us, Mom was showing us how  to hold on and then to bravely let go on her journey.  If she were with us during this most extraordinary life in the time of COVID-19, I have no doubt she would have much to contribute to the conversation.

Thanks, Momma, for demonstrating the courage, hope, JOY, and unconditional love so I could one day be a mom to the two extraordinary miracles who shower my world and Momma-soul in JOY!  I miss you so…

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms!

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Limes

Yesterday, I cried over limes.  Limes.

After putting on my mask, my special pair of “outside-shoes-during-quarantine,” my gloves, and what’s left of my sanity, I ventured beyond our house.  Since pushing Day #60 of at-home quarantine around our house, heading into the community for necessary provisions was a considerable leap of faith.  I spoke sternly to myself on my way to the grocery store to retrieve our online order.  After last week’s verbal altercation inside the store with the creepy stalker guy who followed me with no mask, no gloves, and less than six-feet of distance from my personal space, ordering groceries online for pickup seemed the best choice this week.  Securing a time slot was an added bonus since home delivery is evidently not option where we live.  Choosing items online while giving up purchasing decisions was another step in tempering my control-freak-benevolent-overlord issue, but yes, I can and will be flexible too.  So, over the lake and through the woods to the grocery drive-up lane I went.

While loading everything into the back of my car, the very kind assistant shared the list of items missing from the order.  Mind you, I’m all about substitutions; after all, we must be bendable but not breakable in these challenging times (and will gladly accept ANY roll of toilet paper available).  As she rapidly ran through the substitution list, one item caught my attention…“No limes or lime juice available, but you do have extra lemons in the bag.”  No big deal.  Oh…wait.  No limes?  At all?  Lemons, again?  Who’s hoarding all the limes and do they have all the toilet paper as well?

There was one particular activity left on my agenda this week specifically involving limes.  You see, we were scheduled to leave with friends on a special vacation today, May 1, to explore Key West…the first non-working trip for St. M in a long time.  In the planning stages for the last three years, this trip was finally happening.  All our schedules coincided, reservations and tickets were purchased in advance, and everything came together beautifully…and then, a pandemic.  In a snap, the entire adventure evaporated.  My whole mantra of “plan your work, work your plan, and autograph your work with excellence” was out the window.  No vacation.  Stay home.  Be safe and well.  Adjust.  “No limes, but you do have extra lemons in the bag.”

All the way home I pondered.  Once home, I removed my shoes, washed my hands, and M helped unload the bags to the designated drop area while I wiped down and put everything away.  The tears started quietly flowing when the first lemon emerged, then quickly turned into my ugly, snot-sobbing meltdown (if you know me at all, this is rare, but when it occurs, brace yourself).  While limes are not a necessary staple of life, especially in a pandemic, this one time, when I had a specific purpose planned as a surprise treat, “no limes, but you do have extra lemons in the bag.”

Limes weren’t the real reason for my outburst.  I was crying about the overwhelming weight of this entire reality for ALL of us.  I was mourning our complete lack of control over this unbelievable situation.  I was snot-sobbing because I can’t physically be with my little women, my sister, my family, and my friends.  I was grieving for the crushing number of individual lives lost in this pandemic, the families losing these loved ones, the heroes serving daily on the relentless front lines, the essential workers who are exhausted and scared, the scientists and researchers desperate for answers and a plan, the insane loss of millions of jobs and financial stability, the school children missing their teachers and friends, the parents doing their personal best to educate their children while maintaining daily life and keeping food on the table, the high school and college students missing milestone activities and graduation ceremonies, the individuals living in complete isolation with no assistance, people experiencing food and housing insecurities, the persons who are dying completely alone, the stress, hurt, worry, and despair we are ALL experiencing at varying and alarming degrees…and so much more.  I was naming and working to process the powerful thoughts and feelings within this uncharted territory.  But limes?  Limes simply became the tipping point.

When calm prevailed, the words of Washington Irving once shared again resonated new meaning:  “There is a sacredness in tears…they are messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love…”

So today, I’m grateful and relieved St. M had a soft flannel shirt and loving arms securing me as I released all on my highest speed.  I’m grateful for a working washing machine and detergent to wash his beloved shirt.  I’m grateful for fresh hope to move forward in the most graceful way possible, finding small ways everyday to make some type of difference.  I’m grateful to acknowledge and express my anxiety, fears, uncertainty, and longing.  I’m grateful for our kind neighbor who left three limes and more of her home-grown lettuce on our front porch table.  I’m grateful there are little lime pies now waiting on the front porch of our travel friends to remind them we will head south some day to the land of endless beaches, six-toed cats, spectacular sunsets, and authentic key lime pie.  And specifically today, I’m grateful we’ll make some fresh lemonade to sip on our porch (with all these extra lemons) as we continue to stay put, stay safe, and create new ways to be gentle and kind to ourselves and others.  🙂

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The Egg Tree

On a meandering walk for some fresh spring air this past week, I came across a most surprising sight to behold…an egg tree.  These beauties were hanging in various shapes, colors, sizes, and levels as a welcome sign in these most unusual of times.  I instantly recalled the sweet story my Granny B often told about The Egg Tree.  Written and illustrated in 1950 by Katherine Milhous, this Caldecott Medal winning book revealed a story based on the author’s family with a beloved Pennsylvania Dutch Easter tradition.  I vividly remember the ONE Easter time Granny and I carefully blew out a dozen eggs (what a chore!) and then dyed them in various colors to then paint scenes, just like the two children in the book.  It was a two-day process and one where her patience with my tedious perfectionism at various levels of artistic struggle was most likely stretched beyond standard limitation.  Did I mention it was the only time we did it?  🙂

This tradition in my classroom and in our home with similar versions of an egg tree in the springtime usually involved wooden or plastic decorated eggs.  Cascarones took it up another notch as brightly-colored, confetti-filled egg treats, although patience of Job comes-to-mind when creating these beauties.   Each version visually symbolized the simple, charming reminders of rebirth, renewal, hope, and growth.

What’s a Springtime tradition you fondly recall?  

In these uncertain times of living in, as my daddy says, “that hotel where you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave” (thank you, Don Henley and Glenn Fry), may we all find subtle ways to engage in creating, cultivating, and inviting beauty into our day…just like this blossoming little egg tree.  Stay safe, stay well, and stay strong, y’all!  🙂